Cheating our family

Posted on April 18, 2013 by

We have been looking recently at topics from Andy Stanley’s book, “When Work and Family Collide”.   Stanley points out that we all cheat, and as we strive for balance in our lives, we tend to put more effort and attention into certain things and we invariably cheat on other things.  Sadly for most of us, unless we notice a significant problem at home, we are likely to “cheat”, or take for granted, the support of our family so that we can go off and pour ourselves into our work, or our other things.

In reality, many of us fail our family miserably.  We abuse their support, and make assumptions that it will simply continue indefinitely, but Stanley points out that there are limits to this support.  What starts out as a mental willingness to support us, ends with the physical exhaustion of having to keep things going at home in our absence (pg 39) and suddenly we find ourselves facing a crisis at home.

At the end of the day, we need to ensure that our spouse knows that they are important to us.  We need to be careful that we don’t send the wrong message. manual-1e-529x270 Consider that when we encounter a problem in our business, we don’t think twice about finding the right book to read to help us.  We even go to training seminars so that we can learn how to better navigate future problems in our businesses.  If our computer breaks down, we are able to pore through manuals to help us figure out how to fix it.  Yet why is it then, that when we recognise there is a problem in our marriage, we do none of these things and instead look blankly at our spouse and say, “What’s wrong??”

This week, find ways to show your spouse how important they are to you.  Don’t just buy her flowers, or chocolates!  Spend time with her.  Take on some extra responsibilities around the house.  Find some good marriage resources that you can read together to help strengthen your marriage.  In short, put the same effort into your marriage as you do for your business.  Stop cheating on your family!

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Nobody likes Monday

Posted on April 9, 2013 by

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We force ourselves to respond to the alarm clock, and trudge our way into work, all while self-medicating an extra dose of caffeine.  Mondays are not Fridays.  Fridays we are filled with optimism and hope for a weekend full of family time, and fun activities with the ones we love.  We look forward to spending time just being ourselves, and even though there are often chores that need to be done, somehow it’s different.  Mondays mean work, and work gets a bad rap.  We push ourselves to be task oriented and get things done.  Our task oriented side of our personality grapples with problems that we can “fix” and we measure success by these standards, and we push ourselves to do more and more work as a way to achieve “success”.

We love our families, but rarely do we love our work.

And yet we are drawn to work, as men.  God has wired us for it.  We get great satisfaction from accomplishment, and the ability to solve complex problems.  We invest a great deal of time at work, and we want to be respected by our colleagues and our family for the good job we do.

So why can we find no contentment in our work?  Why does Monday continue to get a bad rap?  The Sunday School answer that comes to mind is to say that work was cursed in the garden, and so Christians can easily fall into a trap of thinking then that work is bad – but work existed in the garden before the Fall, so clearly it is part of God’s intention for us, and He knows how we are made.

Consider this week that the only way for us to be content is to be walking with God.  Satisfaction is not to be found in work or family alone, though both are facets – instead, let us boast in Christ alone!  I leave you with a quote from Andy Stanley,

Contentment is found neither in the marketplace nor the family alone.  It’s found when we align our priorities with his as it relates to both areas of responsibility.  There’s nothing honoring to God about the workaholic who neglects his or her family.  But the man or woman who refuses to provide for the family brings no honor to him either.

 

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Who Can You Trust?

Posted on March 21, 2013 by

making-choices-x100This week we repost an article from the recent issue of the Tyndale University College & Seminary Alumni magazine, which features alumni Marie Fullerton talking about the challenge of living out her faith at work.  Promise Keepers Canada is pleased to have Tyndale as a sponsor at a number of events across Canada.  

 

Used car salespeople? Real estate agents?  Lawyers? Tradespeople? Who can we trust?  The world of sales is an ethically challenging job and every day Marie Fullerton makes complicated daily choices to be a professional, ethical realtor.

During high school Marie’s English teacher told her that if she read about all the terrible things that have been done in the name of Christianity she wouldn’t believe anymore. She read all books but she also knew that there were many good things that Christians had done that were not noted in those books. Marie handed the books back saying, “Some terrible things have happened and that’s awful but God is good.”  Despite her innate assurance of God’s goodness, Marie did have questions and came to Ontario Bible College (now Tyndale) to answer some of them. She then got her BA in Psychology from York University while working full time. After that came marriage, other jobs, four children and two major house renovations.

Then Marie was reminded of the results of a university career test. Real Estate was at the top of the list, “But I didn’t have the confidence at the time,” says Marie. The confidence came with time and learning more about herself; two of her spiritual gifts are hospitality and mercy, and she knows she is wired for service. “I connect with people because I care,” says Marie. But once she became a realtor she entered the world of sales and all the suspicion that comes with that. Marie understands the suspicions and urges people to be cautious. However, when someone accused Marie of being nice just because she’s a realtor, Marie remembers being shocked, “I’ve never been told that before. I’d always been told that’s my personality [being nice] and who I am. So I had to get thicker skin fast.”

Marie is tough on behalf of others-her clients. During one of her first negotiations, after having done a lot of research, she and her client met with the seller and her realtor and Marie was able to bring the seller’s price down considerably due to many issues with the home (no basement, old windows and furnace). Marie felt that the other realtor had priced the house based on the seller’s financial situation and not its actual worth. After the negotiations Marie received a call from the other realtor accusing her of being heartless. “It wasn’t that I didn’t care about the seller but I was there to represent my client’s interest,” says Marie.

Marie has to review her motives every day. She analyzes her actions, “Did I do it because I’m a realtor or because I’m a Christian? I don’t separate who I am as a Christian from who I am in the work that I do.”

“Did I do it because I’m a realtor or because I’m a Christian? I don’t separate who I am as a Christian from who I am in the work that I do.”

Today becoming a realtor involves six challenging courses and continuous upgrading every year. Marie did very well in her courses but all the training was focused on the law, not how to sell in a very competitive field. So Marie has to choose how to do the job every day.

Marie believes, “Freedom is living in the present, in the grace of God, according to His Word and as my conscience dictates. Freedom is enjoying the security of living the purpose and direction my God and Father guides me in. In my job I help others obtain the freedom of finding a home, or selling an investment.”

Living in the present begins with Marie’s daily choices which help her make the bigger choices in her job. She wakes up and either goes to the gym or for a run. “This means I am clearheaded for the day,” says Marie. When she goes for a run or a walk she listens to the Bible on her phone. Her family also take food very seriously, living out the maxim, “Good stuff in, good stuff out.” And Marie does her homework-diligently. These regular choices provide the foundation for making sound choices in a negotiation or a bidding war or in deciding the best way to spend her time and money as a self-employed person in a service industry.

Recently Marie made a choice that illustrates the line she walks. A prospective client had a neighbour who was alone, ill and neglected. It was known that this person’s living conditions were not healthy. The state of this person’s home was going to make it difficult for Marie’s prospective client to sell their own home, but this person also obviously needed care and attention. Marie’s prospective client didn’t feel comfortable trying to find help for this neighbour, so she decided that the best outcome for everyone was to become involved. Marie spent six hours on the phone one day trying to find help for the neighbour.

After phoning multiple agencies Marie was finally able to speak to someone that specializes in these kinds of cases. The person became involved and the neighbour is now receiving much-needed medical care.

Marie chose to give up her time that day which meant giving up the opportunity of other business that same day.

It is in these choices that Marie’s job has become a profession. “I didn’t really think of this job as a ministry when I took it on. I definitely didn’t think of it as a calling. I was choosing a job. Yet as I do the job, every week there is something that comes up where I see that God uses me…[it] took being in this kind of position to have the opportunity to see where the needs were so I could reach out and do what I needed to do as a Christian. So, it wasn’t that I thought of selling Real Estate as a ministry, it just is a ministry while I am doing the job.”

The challenge of selling one’s home can be a vulnerable experience-financial decisions, divorce, or death. Yet Marie is able to face the tension in these challenges because she has seen how God has used her past training and experiences to prepare her for the world of selling Real Estate. Just as she chose to face and answer the questions posed by her high school teacher, Marie continually questions her motives in making choices of how to serve God and make a living.

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Squeaky Wheels

Posted on March 13, 2013 by

There’s just not enough time in your day to be all things to all people.  You’re going to have to hold back somewhere.  Our knee-jerk reaction to this dilemma is to answer the call of the squeakiest wheel.  Whoever creates the biggest mess ends up with the lion’s share of our time and attention.  We run from fire to fire, troubleshooting our way through life, rescuing the needy and rewarding those who can’t seem to stay out of trouble.
-Andy Stanley

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Perhaps you can relate to this quote by Andy Stanley from “When Work and Family Collide”. (pg14)  He hits on a very important observation on how we tend to prioritize our day, and how we assign our attention.  It’s easy for us to think that this kind of mentality is actually smart thinking.  When we are in crisis management mode, we can go from one squeaky wheel to another and at the end of the day feel that we have been VERY effective and productive because after all, haven’t we solved those big problems?  As men, we do love productivity, and what could be a better boost for our ego at the end of the day than to have a nice list of completed tasks, and fixed problems- especially the “big stuff” that we completed.  That sort of sense of accomplishment is heady stuff indeed, and quite frankly somewhat addictive.  We want to feel needed like that, and in our minds eye we begin to see ourselves as some sort of superhero, arms folded in front of us and superhero cape wafting in the breeze behind us.

Andy Stanley calls us out on this, and one of the first things he talks about in his book is how we all cheat.  Each day, we make decisions that rank our tasks according to… what?  What do we use as a measure for what gets done?  Is it the squeaky wheel that asserts itself as the highest priority?  Charles Stanley calls it a trap, because it shifts our thinking away from balance, and reinforces erratic pendulum swings from crisis to crisis, and to do this we will always be cheating something else that also deserves our time.  If this is the mode you’re in, take a minute to think about where your family fits into this equation.

Will it take a family crisis to get your attention on your family?  Here’s 2 stories that Andy Staley tells…

I know a CEO who spent twenty-nine days with his wife at a detox center six hundred miles from their home.  Twenty-nine days.  Yet in the previous three years, he had done almost nothing in terms of investing in what he would tell you now is his most important relationship.  And if anyone had suggested he take a twenty-nine-day vacation in order to invest in his marriage, he would have laughed.  But he did, only when he had to.

I know a contractor who almost had to shut down his business to attend to his daughter’s drug addiction.  He escorted her from one rehab center to another, trying to find her “the best medical treatment in the country.”  This is the same guy who could never find an entire week of vacation for his family.  They left on Saturday; he joined them on Wednesday.  But suddenly he has the time.

These are powerful examples of the danger of our “crisis management” mentality, and perhaps there is no better time than this week, when many kids are enjoying March Break, and would love nothing more than to spend some quality time with their dad this week.  Do you really need to work late tonight?  Are you waiting for a family “squeaky wheel” to appear before you commit any attention to your family?   Take a moment to step back from things right now, and ask yourself if you are just putting out fires, or if you are balancing your work and family well.  Maybe today is a great opportunity to leave work early and go spend time with the ones you love and who need you.

 

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Interview: HR Perspectives

Posted on February 26, 2013 by

microphone-300x300I had an opportunity to meet with an HR executive for a large organisation this past week, and we chatted about a number of things related to the whole area of faith at work.  As we continue to suggest ways to live out your faith all week, there has to be an awareness of how this will be received in the workplace, and so I chose this person to discuss it with because they are not a Christian.  Here I share with you some of the questions that we discussed in our hour long meeting.

Thank you for the opportunity to meet with you today.  At Promise Keepers, we strive to ignite and equip men to have a godly impact in all aspects of their lives.  We challenge men to live out the values of their faith in everything they do, and on every day of the week, not just on Sunday.  Men find it very easy to compartmentalise everything in their lives, relegating their faith and ethics to Sunday, while taking free reign to justify almost anything through the week because, “that’s how the ‘Sales’ game works.” Etc.  As an HR professional, what is your first reaction to us encouraging men to live out their faith at work?

As you know, I’m not a Christian, however in the corporate world today there is a significant shift happening towards accommodation for spiritual beliefs and practices.  Employers are seeing their employees holistically, and have recognised that if they can help support the needs of the employee, that employee will not only be more productive but also more loyal to stay.   For Example, there are policies that allow employees to take paid non-stat religious holy-days to facilitate their observance of those days without penalty.  Some employers are also creating quiet spaces for their employees to go to pray or meditate through the day, sort of as a “break room 2.0” kind of thing.

Yes, we’ve all heard of hip companies that have pool tables and video game rooms, but how common are these kinds of policies that you’re talking about?

[laugh] Yes, I’d love to work at those places too!  But it’s not just those kinds of companies that are making allowances for spiritual things at work. 

What are the boundaries then for living your faith in the workplace as an employer?

If the employer is a Christian, then I would think that they would have a head start on understanding this and helping their employees.  The main document for boundaries isn’t the Employee Standards Act, or the Canada Labour Code – it’s really the Human Rights Code.  The key to understanding boundaries is to understand non-discrimination, and respect for others’ beliefs.  The same freedom given to an employer to live out their faith, is also given to employees to not be discriminated against if they do not hold the same beliefs as their boss.

We don’t tell guys to hit all their staff over the head with a big Bible and pressure them to become Christians, but we do encourage them to consistently live out their faith through the week in all they do.

And that’s another area where they may have a head start in business, as it becomes more and more popular for businesses to publically post a Code of Ethics, or Company Shared Values that they require their staff to sign off on each year, and may even expect the same of customers too.  People want to do business with companies that they can trust, and companies have responded with publicly holding themselves accountable to higher standards. 

Companies of all sizes seem to develop that “go to” person that everyone feels comfortable going to for help, or for advice.  In large companies, this is often an HR professional like yourself, but many of our guys are in smaller businesses without those kinds of resources.  What would you suggest for these smaller businesses?

Companies of all sizes are developing Employee Assistance Programs that look to create safe lines of communication to someone who can help.  It goes back to looking after the whole person, not just treating them like a numbered employee.  The reality is that people develop marital trouble, or money trouble, or other issues that create tension and problems in the workplace.  If you were to designate a Christian in this kind of role, they would have a head start and additional “tools” in the box to use to help people through their problems.  The key is that you would need to offer that “counsellor” some additional training and support such as a referral list of local programs that deal with addiction, or suicide counselling, or financial planning, etc.   Even very highly trained HR professionals refer cases that are beyond their ability, so this is all the more important for a staff member that has been designated as a “go to person”.  The most important thing is to guarantee anonymity to the person seeking help, so that they will not face possible discrimination from the boss as they are looking for help.

Thank you for your time, and walking us through these issues.  Do you have any final thoughts to share?

I think it’s very interesting that you’re helping employers think through these things.   Perhaps the most important thing is how you deal with complaints from someone who is uncomfortable with religion at work.  They may have gotten the wrong impression, or are just feeling uncomfortable – but whatever their reason to complain, you need to take the opportunity to address it so that it doesn’t escalate into a much larger problem.  In my experience, prompt attention and taking a complaint seriously will prevent escalation and serves to reassure the employee that you do care about them as a person.

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Dedicate your Business?

Posted on February 11, 2013 by

I regularly hear about people who invite their Pastor and close friends over to their new home for the purpose of dedicating their new home to God.  Together they walk through the home and dedicate each room to God in prayer.   When Promise Keepers moved into our new offices last year, the first thing we did was have a time of prayer to thank God for providing the incredible opportunity and resources, and to consecrate the space for advancing the Kingdom of God in the hearts and minds of the men of Canada, and it was a very meaningful time for us all.  This week, I was challenged by a colleague to promote the same for all of our businesses.

This is a great opportunity to witness to your staff, and demonstrate your faith, and below is a sample of how one company went about it, when they recently approached Pat Morley to ask him to help them with it.  This example may be more formal than you want, especially if you are not from a liturgical church background, but read through it and consider using some or all the ideas in your business – and make it your own.  Here’s what Pat Morley suggested:

Dedication Ceremony for (NAME)

 Opening Bible Verses (Leader)

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving. (Colossians 3:23-24)

 Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders. (1 Thessalonians 4:11-12)

 May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish the work of our hands for us–yes, establish the work of our hands. (Psalms 90:17)

Litany of Dedication

Leader: 

We gather today in the presence of God and these witnesses to dedicate (NAME) to the glory of God and the praise of Jesus Christ.

People: Lord, may it be done according to Your goodness and grace.

Leader: 

We dedicate this building and all who now or ever will work here or visit this place of business to the grace, love, mercy, and protection of God.

 People: Lord, may it be done according to Your goodness and grace.

Leader: 

We dedicate ourselves to bear witness of the values we cherish, including the relentless pursuit of excellence, an unwavering commitment to integrity, and unbending attention to detail, so that all we do will bring honor to God.

People: Lord, may it be done according to Your goodness and grace.

Prayer of Dedication (Leader)

Dear God, our heavenly Father, lavish Your blessings upon this business as it seeks to bring You glory in all its ways. We ask You to expand this business in its new location as a towering example of quality, service, and integrity throughout this community. We ask for Your favor to rest upon all who now or will ever work here, and their families. May all who enter these premises sense Your presence, power, and love. Grant this place of business Your wisdom, truth, favor, peace, success, and prosperity as they seek to honor God. In the name of Jesus for the glory of God. Amen.

Dedicated With Our Participation on the __ of ________, 20__ . . .

(signed by all present, then framed and hung in their reception area)

This week, consider leaving a comment – I’d love to hear what you think of this idea!

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T.G.I.F?

Posted on February 1, 2013 by

So are you looking forward to the weekend?  I sure am!  It’s been a busy week for me and I’ve had all day meeting days, travel days, and try to get caught up desk days this week.  I need a break!

If I had to guess, I would not think that my week was much different than yours.  We’re all busy, and get pulled in many different directions in our work, and most guys thrive on being busy.  It’s one of those things that in society we seem to highly value “busyness”-  and the more the better.  When people ask how we’re doing, we like to answer “Busy”.  Why is that?  Why is it that we answer this way?  Why is “busy” the first thing that comes to mind instead of how we actually are?  Why do we choose to define ourselves by being busy?

Work and Family CollideI’ve recently been challenged to consider and strive towards balance instead of busy, and have been reading a great resource by Andy Stanley called, “When Work & Family Collide”.  The book is an excellent blend of Biblical and practical answers that are directly relevant to our modern way of life, and it’s frankly refreshing to get “called out” by this book to confront our own situation and begin to see the consequences of the decisions we are making by being “busy”.

One aspect in particular is covered very early in the book.  “Everybody cheats,” and he’s absolutely right about that.  Every day we make decisions to shortchange one thing in order to more fully experience another (pg 1) and the opportunities are endless: Career goals, hobbies, sports, clubs, etc.  Each of these opportunities (and more) compete for our most valuable resource, which is our time.  The sad reality for many men is that our family usually ranks pretty low on this list if we’re not careful.

When Work and Family Collide is about establishing priorities.  A priority is something you put ahead of something else.  A priority is something you say yes to even when it means saying no to other important things. (pg 3)

As we head into the weekend, consider what is getting cheated in your life as you head into the office to work on Sat, or your Sunday is spent in front of the TV watching six hours of Superbowl pre-game.  If you’ve begun meeting with another man, consider reading the book together and working through the discussion questions on each chapter.

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